Domestic Violence, Restraining Orders and Revenge

What is domestic violence:

Domestic violence refers to the repetitive acts of brutality that you might face in the confines of your home or your internal circle. The types of abuse are but not limited to physical, emotional, sexual, economic, and digital.  The aftermath of such abuse is always traumatizing since it is an intimate partner or familiar face like a family member. Many factors may lead to one becoming an offender, many studies suggest that domestic violence is a learned behavior. Meaning that a childhood trauma event such as witnessing consistent acts of cruelty, abuse or mistreatment. Often the violators themsleves were victims of domestic violence as children or in past relationships.

What do these three things have in common?

Domestic violence, restraining orders, and revenge have two people, anger and control in common. However, there are two types of domestic violence cases.  There are the cases that are domestic violence cases with all the signs of emotional, and physical abuse that have been going on for a few months to years. Then there are the domestic violence cases that are the ones that someone just said that was domestic violence out of revenge.  Both cases have damaging results and ruin lives no matter the circumstances

What’s the difference between the two cases?

Domestic violence with emotional and physical abuse. This is about control and anger.  Sometimes, this looks like the “perfect family”, the house is spotless, the wife is always with her husband or vice versa, the kids are well dressed and never dirty, they have the best BBQ and they are very friendly. However, behind closed doors there is so much abuse going on that you Don’t see. The abuser will get angry at dinner not being on time, the kids left their shoes out, the house wasn’t clean to their standards, and the list just goes on. The one being abused is covering bruises with make-up and is not allowed to leave the house unless it is to go to the grocery store or to take the kids to and from school.

Other times, it’s a family in the neighborhood that you know lives there, but haven’t socialized with or your kids don’t play with their kids because they aren’t ever outside. You never really see anyone coming or going.

In all these situations all your loved ones have stopped calling and coming over to see you. Your loved one is now being controlled by someone who has total control of everything including them.

Revenge domestic violence is exactly what it sounds like. This is when you and your significant other have broken up for whatever reason. Now they are out to get you, control you and your entire life. The easiest way is a restraining order. The restraining order is easy to obtain, you Don’t have to prove abuse, you just have to say it happened.  Now the control begins. One blocked phone call or response to a text and you are off to jail.

Hard to believe:

The first time someone puts their hands on you in a negative abusive way you are in shock and can’t believe that they did that. You tell yourself that it is only this time. It’s your fault and they will never do it again. You made that person so angry, they had a right to hit, punch, or kick you. But the truth is it will never be your fault or ok that someone put their hands on you in a negative abusive way. No one ever deserves that. Then that person returns with flowers, candy or expensive gifts and says how sorry they are. Says they will never do it again. It happens again and again, each time worse than the last, and more and more gifts. You think this person loves me, they don’t mean to hurt me, they’re tired and stressed. No, love is NEVER SUPPOSED TO HURT LIKE THAT!!! If someone is hurting you like that you need to get out and get help before they seriously hurt you or kill you and /or children.

Judges:

Judges pass out restraining orders like they are candy for one reason and one reason only. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE’S DEATH! Now with that said the Judge doesn’t always think certain people need a restraining order. Here’s an example. I know this from personal experience. I know someone who is a male 6’1 230 lbs, with tattoos, and has a criminal record. He had a restraining order against him, he went and it was dismissed. Now the woman who put it on him was stalking him, going to work, waiting outside his work, showing up at his house, making numerous phone calls, and stalking his social media while she had her restraining order. He told the Judge this. The Judge told him,  his life was not in danger and denied his request for a restraining order.

Restraining Orders:

People who have been in those domestic violent situations will get the restraining orders, but they do not make phone calls to their abusers. They do not have any contact at all. They hide so that their abuser can not find them or their child/children. The restraining order will not stop anyone, but it is on record in the courts. And it does make a difference when it comes to charges and cases against someone who has a past with domestic violence.

Charges:

Your third charge of domestic violence becomes a felony charges. This is if you have not murdered anyone before this third charge.  The first two charges of domestic violence charges are misdemeanor charges and the third one becomes felony.  Technology being what it is now, the prosecutor can add cyber crime charges if you stalk or harass someone on their social media. This can be something so simple as just saying that you “like” the picture that they just added to their Instagram account.

Statistics on Domestic Violence in the US:

On a typical day, more than 20,000 people call the nationwide domestic violence hotlines. It is not just women who are calling it is men also.  1in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by their intimate  partners during lifetime to the point of which they are fearful or believe they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.  Women account for over half of the perpetrators. 1 in 4 women and 1in 7 men will experience physical violence in their lifetime. About 1in 3 and 1in 6 men will experience sexual assault in their lifetime. (HTTP://ncadv.org.Statistics) (Statistics- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence).

The crime rate for domestic violence is overwhelming. Every year in the United States over 129,876 reported family violence and 117,093 victims of intimate partner violence reports aged 12 years and older. That is about 337 per 100,000 population. and 346 intimate partner violence. (www.150.statcan..daily) ( Trends in police-reported family violence and intimate partner violence were stable in 2022). These are only the cases that have been reported. Many cases have not been reported or the case became a murder case.

These numbers are from 2022 and these are the only ones that have been reported.  Men tend not to report abuse because they think it makes them look weak. No matter if you are a man or woman the abuse is very real and never be ashamed to report it. It just might save your life. You should report the abuse and get help. And Always stay Safe!

If you see something say something!!

What I have learned:

Keep every text, cell phone call log, picture, voicemail, and anything that will prove your innocence. Don’t answer blocked calls, Snapshot your social media if they are harassing and stalking you on social media. Do not use any apps that will change your number to send messages because when the police or prosecutor dumps your phone those apps still show up and they can track your messages. Keep every threat, take photos of your bruises, go to the hospitals, and have them document your bruises and broken bones.

I have also learned when you file false claims and you stalk the person that you put a restraining order on, nothing happens to you.

If you put a restraining order on someone and both of you break it at the same time it is null and void unless someone the two of you know calls and reports you. Anyone  can call and report you on that restraining order. It doesn’t have to be the victim,

Check if your state has a Judge’s Guidebook for restraining orders.

Hotline Information:

• Information: Get a safety plan
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) www. ndvh.org
• National Dating Abuse Helpline  1-866-331-9474  www.loveisrespect.org
•  National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453) www. Childhelp.org
• National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673(HOPE) www. rainn.org
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8522(TALK) www.suicideprevetionlifeline.org
• National Center for Victims of Crime 1-202-467-8700 www. victimsofcrime.org
• National Human Trafficking Resource Center Polaris Project 1-8880373-7888 Text Help to be Free 233733 www. polarisproject.org

I would love to hear from you. If you have a story or comment please let me know.  I have sent comments back to some of you. If you want me to respond directly please send me a deliverable email address.  Otherwise, check the comments. Until next time.