In hell:
I am not the same person that you met years ago. I live in hell, literally. There are things in here that no one should ever hear, see, or do. You do things to survive. We will never discuss anything that happened in here, I will never forget and it has forever changed me. When we talk, you ask me how I’m doing I tell you I’m ok or fine. Truth is I’m not ok or fine. I tell you that so you don’t worry about me. I’m in hell. I have all these feelings that I can’t express, I can’t talk to you whenever I want and I can’t be there with you. You’re always on guard to make sure you don’t get attack or trouble.
When we talk:
When I call you, I want to hear about you, and the family. I want to know what is going out there, how work is going, school or whatever is going on. I don’t want to talk about me. There isn’t much to say about me, nothing changes in here, You take my quietness or not calling as I don’t want to talk to you. Trust me I want to talk to you all the time. Prison doesn’t care that I can’t always call you when I want or need to talk to you. That’s frustrating! I have to wait in a long line for the phone or yard time. I allow my frustrations cause us to fight all the time, for that, I’m truly sorry.
Losing battles:
I feel like everything is going against me. I have lost all my appeals, I lost some of my good time because of others’ stupidity. The Co’s thought I was in on whatever they had going on, so I went to solitary confinement with them. Which made me lose my good time, my level, and my job. So, now I’m starting all over again to regain all those things back. If I’m not watching out for myself this could be an ongoing problem and I could spend years in solitary confinement. Then we talk, we argue, and I have to go in. So my night ends with an argument ..not good.
My fear is:
I think to myself, when I’m released can I have a normal life? Whatever normal looks like these days. Has prison made us institutionalized to the point that we can’t function in the real world? Do the prisons help us or make us better criminals? The outside world doesn’t follow the same rules as we do here. Here we don’t have the same responsibilities. I don’t pay bills, I don’t have to work , if I don’t want to and I don’t have to take care of anything but myself. Then I think I’m without my loved ones. What if I can’t handle the real world? What if things are too much for me out there and I come back here? I don’t think my family will be there for the second time around.
The real world:
Guys who have been released, which are incarcerated again talk about how difficult the real world is. Outside these walls, has changed, and is difficult to adapt to. Technology is so complicated to understand. You don’t have cash anymore, most people use cards to pay for everything, cell phones are crazy that can do everything and TV’s I won’t even discuss that. People are more rude than they used to be. You do interviews online, and jobs say that they hire ex-felons and usually fire you after they get your background check back. I sit here wondering how will I support my family when I get home?
My appreciation:
My appreciate for you is something that I could never put into words or express to you. I know I let you down by getting incarcerated. I don’t think you look at me the same way as before. You have struggled to take care of everything at home since I have been here. You’re paying all the bills, taking care of the family and you’re paying for me. I could never repay you for that. I know I should tell you more often.
I don’t have the words:
There are times that I don’t even know what is going on with me. I have so many feelings that I can’t explain or show. You show any kind of emotion in here, that can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. That can get you beat up or killed. I’m angry that I can’t call you all the time, or be there with you. I know it isn’t good to have physical touch but I crave it. You get so much of my anger all the time. I know I pull away at times. It’ s not you, it’s me. I wish I could express all these emotions, but I can’t,
Rush of emotions:
I’m angry at myself for getting into this situation. I’m the one who made these choices, so why do I let you stay with me? You shouldn’t have to live this life with me or do the time as well. You didn’t break the law I did. You deserve a better life than this. Depression this is all of time, I feel like this time will never end, I will never get out, have a life with you and the family. You are the only person who is still there for me, I guess that saying is true. You really do find out who is really there for you when you go to prison. Sadness because I’m missing so many things with you, our family and for myself. Dispointment, I let everyone down, including myself. I know there are some bridges you can’t repair, no matter how hard you try.
Let you go?
These emotions come rushing in all at once. I feel like sometimes, it would be better for you, if you let me go and live your life without me. I can’t buy you gifts, take you out dinner, or sit on the couch and watch a move with you. All I can do is write you letters, draw pictures and/or write poetry. This is the only way that I have to express my feelings for you right now. Then I think you won’t like these things or will think they are it’s stupid. It’s all that I can do for now. Of course it is something that does come from heart, but is that enough? I never wanted you to look at me with disppointment, discouragement, or discussed. I know that you do, and those looks kill me inside everytime I see it.
Changed person:
They say when your’re incarcerated, you aren’t the only person who does the time. Your love ones do the time with you. I will be forever changed person because of prison. This place creates a very dark place inside of you. Place no one ever talks about or ever wants to show someone else.There is a still a small of who I once was, burried deep inside. My feelings for you have grown tremendously. There will always be things about this place that I can’t tell you. If I did, I think that you will stop loving me and you would be ashamed of me. I couldn’t bear to see that look in your eyes. How do I show you the person I have become without telling you the things that I have seen, heard, and done? Will you still love the person that I have become?
If you have a comment or story that you want me to share send me a comment or email. I would love to tell your story. As always, I love reading all your comments. Until nexgt time. Take care.